Who?
by p-poisonivy
Summary: I am Eric Cartman. My hobbies include working on my evil plans to take over the world, being the modern version of Adolf Hitler, and making Kahl Broflovski's life a living hell. When I found out that Kyle had a crush on - not anyone else - but me, I knew I couldn't let this golden opportunity slip by. Slight Kyman. Oneshot.


"What's with the long face, Jew boy?" said the last person in the world that Kyle would like to see right now. Perfect, Kyle groaned, of course the fat ass has to choose this moment to piss him off. He had just told his two best friends about his new crush, and was responded by two identically horrified looks and violent vomiting from Stan. It shocked him too, as much as confused him. Why would he fall for the greatest asshole in this world?

"Nothing, fat ass."

"Oh really? Because it doesn't look like nothing." Kyle could see him trying to fake a sweet voice. He didn't have to try hard, naturally, since he was an expert at doing so, to get things from his "meeeem" or to simply get on Kyle's nerve. "Tell me, my dear friend Kaahl. What seems to be the problem?"

"Seriously, Cartman!" Kyle snapped. Cartman backed off a little, slightly shocked by his more aggressive than usual outbreak, but remained his grin in no time. "What do you want this time?"

"Oh nothing." The other boy batted his eyes obnoxiously to earn an annoyed grunt from Kyle. "I just overheard Stan and Kenny talking about how worried they are for you. They say you told them that you..." He stopped to look at the reaction from Kyle. "have a crush on the biggest asshole in this world. And they were afraid that you would get hurt, sooner or later."

Kyle's face displayed an expression of pure shock. _He heard that? Oh gosh. Now he probably knows_. What would Eric Cartman do when he finds out his long-time enemy has a crush on, not anyone else, but the biggest neo-Nazi racist manipulative asshole in the world, who also happens to be himself? Geez, he would never let Kyle live that down.

"And I'm just curious..." Cartman said leaning closer to Kyle's face. "who could that lucky guy be?"

Kyle completely lost his state of mind when he realised Cartman's face was only inches away from his. He could feel his hot breath on his neck. He tried so hard not to blush, and failed his attempt immediately. He prayed that Eric was not just playing dumb, and genuinely did not know he was the target of Kyle's affection.

Wait... did Eric just said "that lucky guy" instead of "lucky girl"? How did he know it was a guy?

Cartman seemed to see through his thoughts, still wearing his smirk. "Oh, come on, Kahl. It is so obvious that you are gay, considering how you are always clinging to your hippie boyfriend Stan." Kyle shot him a death glare. "But really, who's that lucky guy?"

"Why would I tell you?" Kyle said coldly.

"Aw, come on, Kaaahhhl." Cartman tugged on the sleeves of Kyle, making the latter one immediately tensed up due to the intimacy of the action. Cartman shortly realised he could receive no reply from Kyle.

"Okay, let me guess. A big asshole huh? Could it be Craig?"

Kyle showed no sign of reaction.

"Kaahl?" Cartman shook him slightly. "I'm calling Craig now to tell him you have a huge crush on him..." He said in a sing-song tone. _Great, he just had to get onto my nerve._ Kyle gritted his teeth.

"No." Kyle spit out, sounding defeated, too tired to argue. And Cartman just loved it when Kyle was defeated, especially when it was by him.

"Token?"

"No."

"Clyde?"

"No."

"Stan?"

"No."

"Hmm... Who else is a big asshole?" Kyle shot him a "seriously?" look. He wanted to grab Cartman's collar and punch him and yell, "Who do you think is an asshole? Seriously? You! You are the sadistic anti-Semitic bastard that I loathe!" But that would also mean telling Eric Cartman that he was indeed in love with him. So Kyle could do nothing but bite his lower lip to stop himself from screaming angry words that he would regret later.

"Oh I know who's an asshole." Eric's voice still being buttery and painfully sweet in the fakest possible manner. "Are you in love with yourself Kahl?"

"Ugh!" Kyle threw his arms in the air. "NO!" Cartman's grin widened seeing him pissed off.

"But who else could be a giant asshole?" Cartman asked in his "innocent" voice. Kyle responded with an eye roll.

After a deep sigh, Eric Cartman's eyes changed. They looked somehow... sad. And they were staring directly at Kyle, making him stopped rolling his eyes and showed Eric a bit of concern. "...What is it, Cartman?"

"I wish I were a big asshole." He huffed, tears teetering on the brim of his lower eyelid. "I wish I weren't the completely awesome friend that I am. Then," He looked away from Kyle, almost as if he didn't want him to see his teary eyes. "Maybe you will give me a chance."

"What did you say, Cartman?" Kyle's eyes widened in shock.

"I said I wish I were an asshole, then maybe you would love me. Kahl..." He looked completely pathetic at the moment.

"Idiot! I AM in love with you! You are the asshole Stan and Kenny were talking about!"

"I am?"

"Yes!"

"Why, I am so happy Kahl!" Cartman rushed to give Kyle a hug. When he pulled away from the hug, he looked at Kyle expectantly, waiting for him to do something.

Kyle leaned in and kissed Cartman. They lasted for a good minute before they broke off, smiling contentedly to each other.

"Oh hamburgers!" A voice emerged from a nearby bush. Kyle turned to look, only to discovering Butters tripping over, holding a video camera in his hand.

"You got the tape, Butters?" Cartman's voice turned evil almost instantly. Butters nodded and Cartman took the camera from him.

"Sweet. I can't wait to go to school tomorrow and show everyone how much a Jew-fag Kyle is!"

"Nananananana, nananananana, Kahl's in love with me..." He sang as he walked away, with Butters following hesitantly.

"Oh Cartman. How I loathe you."

000000000000

I am Eric Cartman. My hobbies include working on my evil plans to take over the world, being the modern version of Adolf Hitler, and making Kahl Broflovski's life a living hell. When I heard Stan and Kenny talking about Kyle having a crush on me, I knew I had to do something about it. So I had Butters hide in a bush to film, while I walked up to a troubled Kahl asking about his crush, pretending I didn't know his crush was me. I leaned my face close to his and he turned into a Jewish tomato. I had to try hard not to laugh, but he was too fun to toy with. After annoying him further more, I knew he was about to give in. At that point, the only thing I needed was a dash of my secret ingredient- crocodile tears. It works all the time, and this time was no exception. "I wish I were an asshole, then maybe you would love me. Kahl..." Oh, I am such a brilliant actor. And then, JACKPOT! He confessed his love for me. The only thing left was to wait for him to kiss me. Every bit of my plan worked perfectly. I got the tape in my hands. I can't wait to show it to everyone in school tomorrow. I am so excited I can't sleep right now. And I couldn't stop replaying the scene where Kyle kissed me.

His lips were demanding. He was panting, silently begging. When I walked away and glanced over him, I saw his sad green eyes. They were hateful, but less hateful than usual. They almost looked... broken. Those sad eyes were not captured in the video, but were imprinted in my head. When I close my eyes, I see them, and I almost have a sudden urge not to show the video to everyone at school.

Almost.

 _Nah._ I shook my head. _That's just Jew magic. Kahl's sneaky Jew magic._

Kahl, you trying to control me?

Let's see who's the loser when I show the video to everyone at school tomorrow.

 **A/N: This is my first fanfiction, ever. I know I have not perfectly captured the character of Kyle and Cartman, but this is what I come up with as a first attempt. English is not my tongue language, so in case you found any grammar mistakes, please point them out and I will correct them. I would be more than thankful if you write a review and help me improve my writing, style and all. Constructive criticisms are more than welcome. Thank you for reading.**

 **I do not own South Park.**


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